RILEY-HARDY'S FAMILIAR QUOTATIONS:
A Collection of Passages, Phrases, and ProverbsTraced to Their Sources in Ancient and Modern Twatdom
BARRISTER LOUISE SLATE-GRAY, public figure
A woman at the top of her field with an impressive roster of clients who loves spending her money on exotic dancers, to help pay their dental surgery.
NOTABLE QUOTES
L S-G: if you’re going to be as good at pleasing me as you promise, all will be yours. i can make that promise.
RELATED TERMS
Socrates the Dishwasher
GRIGOR, beloved son
At home, in our special drawer,
We keep the dildo we adore.
In a secret compartment is he kept,
For when Margo insists the bedroom be swept.
NOTABLE QUOTES
C: he's a grigor, i say.. grigor hristofor, father's pride and joy. very smart. will make great money launderer someday.
T: when you become man, you will have your own adidas tracksuit and your first kalash! and we will cake the upholstery of our vehicles with sunflower seed husks! handsome boy! strong boy! fed from the breast of your beautiful mama!
A VIRILE LION, noun
Refers to the star of a particularly traumatic nature documentary who proved once and for all that he's Ron Jeremy of lions.
NOTABLE QUOTES
C: "he moves from fertile mate to fertile mate, driven by the need to spread his seed", he sure didn’t waste any time about it, no. three pumps, four pumps, done! on to the next!
KNOIFE, noun
When Louis was four years old he spent an entire year doing an Australian accent which sapped out of us what little youth we still clung to.
NOTABLE QUOTES
C: this statement is admissible in court.
T: no it’s not cos what can you really prove.
C: i can prove you stuck that knife in your own chest, i can. excuse me - knoife.
T: "oill moike it look loike a sooosoidde i will!"
C: "intao the 'ole yah go!"

T [after smoking crack in a dream]: yew call that a knoife?
C: i know crack gives a superhuman sense of strength and courage so you won’t see it properly but i assure you, it’s a knoife.
EGGNOG IN BED, treat
Ever the obliging lad, I once made you an eggnog latte to drink in bed on the third day of Charlottesmas, and I assume you've craved another ever since.
NOTABLE QUOTES
T: little monkey, i've made you something nice but you have to swear fealty to me first. i require your absolute loyalty and submission.
C: fealty, loyalty, submission? alright socrates slate-gray, whazzit all about.
T: i invented you an eggnog latte for breakfast and this counts as a verbal contract.
C: if i drop a mint in what do you think will happen.
T: it'll explode like a mentos in diet coke.
SEE ALSO
Socrates the Dishwasher
Louise Slate-Gray
A PIT I CAN'T CLIMB OUT OF, adjective
Description of the ideal fanny: half Batman training montage, half Mr. Bean with a turkey on his head.
NOTABLE QUOTES
C: [bane] can thuggishly swagger over and shove his bald dome into the shadows of my cunt then wear me like a pit he can't climb out of.
BRIDGEY'S FAKE FANNY, noun
Part of my transition into the body of a handsome woman involves sculpting me a fanny out of sand as you would a castle.
NOTABLE QUOTES
C: we'll give you a beautiful body yet, bridgey.
BROKEN WASHERS, noun
Back when you lived in west London your landlord fucked you over multiple times by failing to repair a faulty washing machine. Out of spite for him, I marriaged you away from such a life.
NOTABLE QUOTES
C [paraphrased]: of course i'll marry you, tommy, for it is the best way i can imagine of financially kneecapping my notoriously miserly landlord.
THE PET AND THE GET, adjective
In the far-off wild land of the North, the strange inhabitants there speak a foreign language. In their tongue, a Get is a man with an ugly nature, who's got a face like an anvil, who drinks the de-alcoholised beer in Yarm and walks out on his mates' stories when they get boring. A pet is the opposite of that who leaves little crushed-up crumbs of crisps between the cushions of the sofa.
NOTABLE QUOTES
T: do you know why they call us the pet and the get? cos one of us is a daft old cunt and the other one's food comes from the pet food store.
SQUID SQUISH, sex move
We discovered your squidlike abilities one night when you wrapped your arms and legs round me like a sea creature.
NOTABLE QUOTES
T: the female squid shimmies and squirms and can be heard making her happy squid call. nature is truly beautiful.
C: everything you hoped for, hmm?
T: i wasn't sure i'd love the tentacles but here we are, exploring japanese culture.
RELATED TERMS
Charlurtle
Crocodiles
Charlamari
Two Dogs One Bathtub
Two Dogs Eating Oatmeal
Thatcher Loves Nixon

The Dom Vinyl
Vulvapalooza
THE HEADACHE SUITE, noun
"I wonder why they call it 'The Headache Suite'," wondered the young Australian detective aloud as he unlocked his motel room door and caught a chair to the face.
NOTABLE QUOTES
C: i'd only watch [porno] with you anyway, in the privacy of our bedroom. porn and bargearse. that's our lifestyle.
TWO DOGS EATING OATMEAL, sex move
The way it sounds when we fuck (but in a sexy way).
NOTABLE QUOTES
T: i once described to myself the sound of us having sex as "two dogs eating oatmeal" and have never felt personally offended by someone i would die for worse until now.
RELATED TERMS
A Macaroni and Cheese Baby
Two Dogs One Bathtub
A MACARONI AND CHEESE BABY, noun
You did me a descriptive video for the blind whilst watching a Dr. Pimple Popper video. It was a kind gesture but I was never the same after you described the ooze inside a man's cyst as "mac and cheese" looking.
NOTABLE QUOTES
C [in total ecstasy]: she cut it down the middle and she's pushing at the big sac, trying to get it out whole, maybe? it's like his neck is a fanny giving birth and the sac is crowning it's incredible.
RELATED TERMS
Two Dogs Eating Oatmeal
DOMHNALL GLEESON'S TROUSER SNAKE, noun
A source of much consternation, Domhnall Gleeson's tenderest vittle of all is rumoured to be so abominable that it can kill a man on sight.
NOTABLE QUOTES
T: poor domhnall’s little pink chode. his trouser snake has made many a woman angry.
THE PEACH, noun
Something a meat clown becomes when it's left in the sun too long.
NOTABLE QUOTES
C: most women want bags and shoes but me, i'm content with my crows feet. aren't i a peach?

T: millions of peaches, peaches for me. teaches of meat peaches, meat peaches for free.
C: like sex on the beaches, what else is in the teaches of meat peaches, huh what.
RELATED TERMS
Meat Clown Budgeting
Meat Clown Spending
CHRISTMAS WITH THE COWARDS, idiom
I had a dream where I was on the pipe again telling you and your sister "I reckon you cowards won’t even smoke this crack". The Christmas season really warms my heart.
NOTABLE QUOTES
T: in the dream your sister was really fucking cross with me but you were sort of holding it all inside and giving me the Look. and i remember thinking “well, i’ve fucking done it now, haven’t i?” then i smoked the rock at the dining room table while you both watched in disgust but did nothing to deter me.
TOM HARDY'S POSSESSION'S POSSESSION, public figure
In keeping with the Daily Mail style guide, you're known as "Tom Hardy's Possession", which makes me "Tom Hardy's Possession's Possession". It's on my passport.
NOTABLE QUOTES
T: "tom hardy and his prized possession in double coma after eating too many pizzas. more at 11." maybe we enter the collective unconscious together. sort of like the inception limbo, only i understand what's happening, tangiers is a distant memory, leonardo and marion are nowhere to be found, and we're just hanging around talking shite about everybody we hate.
RELATED TERMS
Proud a yersel hen?
EVERYBODY'S GOT HOLES, slogan
When Ziggy was beginning to exist, Louis suggested the baby be named Minion, or Chappie. This time round we decided his contribution would be "Pogo". In spite of the traditional phallic shape of your typical Pogo stick, it's actually a unisex name, neither male nor female: Pogo is good for anyone to ride, cos after all, everyone's got holes.
NOTABLE QUOTES
T: lebron "gingerbread playstation" hardy.
C: pogo for short.
KEITH ON FIRE!, cookbook
Together we have witnessed Keith Floyd almost fall into a grease fire of his own creation a dozen times or more. This fictional book title also subtly expresses our wish to burn every dish he's ever made, as everything he touches seems to turn into a sort of shit goulash.
NOTABLE QUOTES
C: no one eats that anymore. we watched keith make it and collectively swore it off.
PROUD A YERSEL HEN?, idiom
One of several misogynistic Daily Mail headlines we have reckoned may someday come to pass.
NOTABLE QUOTES
T: your daily mail headline is still "PROUD OF YERSEL, HEN?" but it's you winning loads of awards and receiving like £22M in speaking fees and becoming the principal breadwinner of the household. my portrait is in the corner, it's me surrounded by our kids, and the caption says "OUT OF WORK".
RELATED TERMS
Lucky Me!
Tom Hardy's Possession's Possession
THATCHER LOVES NIXON, idiom
During one harrowing example of us being unable to break character, we managed to shag to completion wearing rubberised Hallowe'en masks of modern history's most hated imperialists.
NOTABLE QUOTES
T: i'm still trying to come to grips with the fact that i yelled margaret thatcher's name whilst attempting to impregnate you.
RELATED TERMS
The Dom Vinyl
HOUSTON POWERS: FAIR-USE PARODY, public figure
A rare secondary character in one of the pornographic spec scripts we've written together. Being unwilling to pay the licensing fee for randy sage Austin Powers, a fair-use parody will replace him: unlike the original, Houston Powers is hated by everyone and has shit-calibre catchphrases.
NOTABLE QUOTES
HP: do i make you wanna murder me baby? well do i?
LUCKY ME!, slogan
Some depressive woman who has never known the touch of another human being has decided that instead of seeking help for her obvious inability to form social bonds, she'd apply her talents as a world-class narcissist to the art of poesy, where among her early works there is featured a shit little greeting card yarn about how fortunate you are to be the eternal voice of reason and stability to a recovering addict with barely-diagnosed ADHD, a bit of a manic-depressive streak and an unpredictable penchant for knocking you up. You're lucky lucky you're so lucky! [Franz Ferdinand musical hit]
RELATED TERMS
Proud a yersel hen?
Tom Hardy's Possession's Possession
AUSTERITY, failed Tory policy
One of the strategies a right-wing government might use to balance the budget for increased meat clown spending.
NOTABLE QUOTES
T: just a minute, how much do you weigh? i've got a substantial meat clown budget already but unless you've got special talents 30p might be out of my price range for 100% of you.
ALSO KNOWN AS
Meat Clown Budgeting
Meat Clown Spending 		RELATED TERMS
Shaved Ham
SHAUN OF THE USELESS LEGS, insult
There are no good Shauns, but one Shaun stands out as worst of his name: a boy of university age whom I never saw standing up a single time. It has become a household insult for weans who refuse to walk anywhere.
NOTABLE QUOTES
C: is that what i'm carrying now? a shaun?
RELATED TERMS
Roach Wine
WHISTLING ALONG TO HYMNS, verb
What you do in church to make God angry.
NOTABLE QUOTES
T: whenever i think about just the abstract concept of "whistling along to hymns in church" i have to recuse myself from the public sphere cos i'm laughing too hard.
C [reading Youtube video description]: "A small skill of human being but does wonder when it is practiced and developed" is what i told myself too at the time.
THE DOM VINYL, noun
The uniform you squeeze into when you're feeling particularly in control.
NOTABLE QUOTES
T: your tits are too big for the dom vinyl now, but i'm sure there are still some waterproof shoes you can step on me with.
C: nothing on but my best wellies. sex on rubber!
RELATED TERMS
Thatcher Loves Nixon
Thatcher Loves Nixon
ROACH WINE, noun
The potion that virtual Charlie uses to lure settlers to her cannibal slaughterhouse. Endorsed by noted pisshead Orson Welles. In the pursuit of the perfect vintage, she's abandoned her quest to find Shaun her infant son.
NOTABLE QUOTES
T: mmm, roach wine. brewed in casks made from all those irradiated maple trees you felled to make way for your brave new industrial society. powered by wind turbines so it's carbon neutral. let's get Orson Welles to do the advert. "Ahhhhhhh there is a Massachusetts champagne by Charlie Masson, inspired by that same French excellence. It's fermented in the bottle and, like the best French champagne, it's made o roaches..."
RELATED TERMS
Shaun of the Useless Legs
SOCRATES THE DISHWASHER, public figure
The stage name of a dishwasher-cum-exotic dancer who fell arse-backward into the lap of Louise Slate-Gray, and danced.
NOTABLE QUOTES
C: no more glasgowisms in bed, i beg ye.
T: did you not like the romantic overtures of the common highlander?
C: i never knew socrates could get worse, but there we were.
RELATED TERMS
Louise Slate-Gray
TWO DOGS, ONE BATHTUB, sex move
The difficulty of keeping two dogs in one tub at the same time during their baths is almost as difficult as you keeping both my bollox in your mouth at once. I speak to this from personal experience.
NOTABLE QUOTES
C: but i like them together! i'll have to fit both in my mouth.
T: two dogs in a bathtub.
C [horrified]: my god.
RELATED TERMS
Two Dogs Eating Oatmeal